


some say in ice

by somethingradiates



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Gen, S06E11, Second person POV, current episode spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-20
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 04:09:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1052353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somethingradiates/pseuds/somethingradiates





	some say in ice

**1**  
you take a vote.

 **2**  
you take a vote, and you feel like you can’t breathe for days. you nod when you’re supposed to and say _yes_ when you’re supposed to, because you’re supposed to. and you don’t look at tig, no matter what. 

**3**  
you take a vote, and you can feel jax watching you when the circle comes. chibs sounds savagely pleased (chibs has never shied away from killing, not once, and something cold and heavy settles in your stomach, settled a long time ago) and his voice is ringing in your head long after they get up and walk away. 

jax is watching you, and you say _yea_ with a steadiness your voice seems to have borrowed from your hands. they’re under the table, clasped together in your lap. when you pull your gloves on and mount your bike later, there are crescent moons clawed into your skin. you don’t remember making them. you don’t remember doing a lot of things, these days.

**4**  
_i’m not having a breakdown._

**5**  
you see clay for the first time in what feels like years, even though it’s only been - days or weeks or maybe months, you don’t know. maybe it’s been years and everyone has been lying. you haven’t been sleeping, and your days run together like weeks. 

you see clay, and your breath stutters in your throat, but there’s yelling and gunshots and the surprisingly dull noise of a body hitting the pavement, the grill of a stolen van, and - no one notices but you. 

**6**  
clay comes towards you, and for a second you think he’s going to hit you. _i got to get right with that somehow._

he thanks you, and you know jax is watching (jax chibs tig gemma, everyone knows what you’ve done and what you’re about to do and you can’t draw a breath, your lungs are rebelling in your chest) but when he hugs you your arm wraps around his waist, hand fisting in the back of his shirt for a heartbeat or two or - three heartbeats, four. 

**7**  
his, not yours. you can’t feel yours. you don’t think you’ve felt yours for a long time. 

**8**  
_take my bike._ you wish you could do it again. you think, with sudden clarity, that you would if you could. 

you open your mouth to say _i’m sorry_ , whisper it against his shoulder, but nothing comes out. he presses a kiss against your temple, high on your cheek. when he pulls back, you look away.

 **9**  
chibs is watching you, glances your way with sharp dark eyes like he's taking a tally. how many times do you blink? how many times do you breathe? how many -

and so you watch. 

**10**  
you don’t look at tig. not before, not during, not after. not in the cabin with bobby, where you laugh and smile and pretend to care whether he lives or dies. you don’t need to. your face is carefully blank, and you think you’re too scared to see whether or not his is, too. 

(you feel like you're stepping on something private, even though tig is close enough you can hear him breathing. clay is tig’s and tig is clay’s.) 

**11**  
(was.)


End file.
